Wednesday, May 07, 2008

'Great Expectations'

Ten to fifteen days later in this month of May, I'll be sitting in front of this very PC and viewing my ICSE results. For the past one year or so( yes, that's even before I actuaaly sat for the exam) , I have often pictured myself sitting in front of the PC, typing the URL of the website in the address bar, waiting for a minute or two while the page remains white with the cursor and dumble and suddenly shows me my result, my percentage....Then, I had pictured myself laughing and going to inform my parents that I have got above 90% and informing my tuition teachers the same thing. I had even thought that if I become the school topper, my name will be published in the Anandabazar Patrika( every year, the newspaper publishes the names of certain ICSE schools along with the ICSE and ISC school toppers' name and percentage and we had seen our school's name in that list) . I have expected too much and no matter how much I make myself understand that it is not good to expect much, I have failed to control my imaginations.

The main reason for which I desperately want to get above 90% is that I want to give something to my parents. The more I think about how much they have done for me and how much I have done for them, I feel that I just have not done enough. They love me much more than I love them. But, they do expect a lot from me. I have found it in their eyes and words.

I also want to get something that big because I want people to notice me. When I say people, I don't mean my parents or other family members, I mean my classmates and the entire school. I know why they don't may much attention to me (there are, of course, exceptions among them). It is because I don't flirt with the boys. It is because I don't indulge in the gossip about new and old student couples. It is because they have not been able to relate me to any boy. It is because I never cheat during the school exams, unlike most of them, and don't show them my answer script during the exams. It is because I am short and not so attractive. So, I just dream of getting above 90% in my ICSE exam with the hope that I'll probably be noticed by them after that.....

But, these are great expectations. They will never be fulfilled too easily. They are not giving me any happiness. Just making me feel more desperate and lonelier the more I think about them. I have to stop expecting greatlty. I just have to....

14 comments:

B. O'Hemian said...

I know you are a diligent student and a good old fashioned obedient daughter. You gave the exam all you had to give. It's beyond your control now. Now, why pressurize yourself with hypothetical results and situations? Relax, it will all be good :)

It's not a dumble or dumbbell that you see when a page loads, dear, it's a sand clock :)

Aarbee said...

I know it is easier said than done, and also that you're intelligent enough to realise it yourself, but Subhadip is right. You have done what was under your control. Fretting about results won't help. So just relax. :)

Also, people will judge you all the time. For whatever reasons they can find. And a lot of times without any reason. So it's just better to ignore them. Proving a point to them is also not worth it. The fact that you and your family will be happy with your results is more than enough. :)

And btw, it might take more than a minute or two for the site to load. :D Will never get as bad as the CBSE site, but still takes a little time.
All the very best!

Woodsmoke said...

I understand your nervousness. And I want you to remember the fact that we all know how much effort you put into these exams. Your hard work and sincere approach are sure to hold you in good stead. There are no substitutes for these qualities.

And yes, there will always be people around you who will try and bring you down on some pretext or another. Remember, their efforts will only succeed if you let them.

newsgroups said...

Hi Butterfly!

Nanny from Holland here. I stumbled on your blog some months ago while searching for new sites about Enid Blyton, and since then I have read your writings with interest.

I want to tell you that you must not give that much importance to your grades. Education is important, that is right. And it is good to do your best on school. But being the highest of your class is not as important as it seems. When you are on top you can only go down, you see? And your life is yet so long. There will come so many more opportunities in your life where you get the chance to excel. And there will be times when you meet people who will be better than you are. And when you have been on top, those excelling people will hurt you more. Because in that case you will ask yourself: “Why not me anymore?”

So please, be comfortable in being just ordinary. I think the most important thing of life to strive at is to be happy. And I think that is also what your parents want you to be. They stress on doing your best in school now, but that is just to make sure you get the best education so that you will be able to make yourself a happy life. That is what counts, and getting high grades is just an aid to reach that. Nothing more.

I am aware that I am from a different culture, so it might be that your situation is different. Please ignore my writings in that case.

Greetings!

Dibbasatya said...

great xpectations r realli gud.
i always belived in dat if we dnt aim higher we can't go any higher,
bt its pretti lame, the reason u want to get 90%.
u wll get 90% for urself nt fr ne1 else.
after all 90% wuld b in ur report card nt to show others bt to prove urself to u onli.
n gettin 90% in isce is nt ne xcptional thng.

Dhrubo said...

Hey Sinjini,
Here I am...I didn't disappear,I just have lost the urge to write...when I do regain it,you'll be the first one to know!

Your expectations,however great they might be,I am sure,will be fulfilled.I don't think your reasons are lame;i do remember quite well the trepidation and the flutter on the day the results came out...I am sure you'll prove your worth to the world and they'll come to acknowledge the fact that you're extraordinary!Oh and good going on the not flirting bit!I hate love birds!~

Amiya said...

I think there are two kinds of expectations. Expectations from a task before it's done do help, because they motivate you to put in your best efforts and do the task well, so that your expectations can be realized. But expectations from a task after it's done are absolutely no good, because that's just pinning hopes on (or dreading the outcome of) something that's done and can't be changed. Why think too much about it then? What will be, will be :) And believe me when I tell you that soon in your life, once you're in college or something, marks will just cease to matter. A good college education and good work – that's all that matters; nobody asks me how much I scored in my 10th!!
But yes, I admit it's easier said than done. Generations of school students have been tense/excited before their exam results, and generations more will go through it. It's just a rite of passage I guess.

But I will say this strongly: No matter how much you think your parents expect you to do well, their primary wish (and expectation from you) would always be for you to work hard towards your goal, and if they've seen you do that, then I'm sure they're proud enough of you already. The kind of sincerity and single-minded focus you have is exceptional in kids your age (I at 15 couldn't even compare with you!) and I'm sure all the things you mentioned in your second last para – no gossip, no other jazz – I’m sure these are the very things for which your parents are proud of you. So as long as those you love the most are happy, why should you care at all about other people? School time cliques are the silliest ever, they're the kind you look back on when you're older and think, "Can’t believe everyone used to be so silly!" So don't worry about these things, and you don’t need to score a 90 for any of these people. Attention like this is transient; it puts you in the spotlight for a while and then fades away. And the more you want to achieve something like that, the more importance you'll be attaching to the wrong things (getting noticed by people who mean nothing to you) instead of the right things (feeling proud of yourself for having done well). So just enjoy whatever time you have before classes begin again, keep going on the right track and don’t fret too much about the results! Good luck, honey :)

SPIRITed! said...

Well, all I can say is, I hope you get a 90%. For yourself.

Butterfly said...

@SubhadipDa
Thanks for your kind words.:-)
And, I've learnt something new.From now onwards,I'll say 'sandclock'.:-)

@Richa
Thanx for those kind words...
Also, Thanks for the best wishes:-)

@Woodsmoke
I guess u r right. I've jsut been brooding...

@Nanny
You're from Holland? Whoa!
You might be from a different culture. But, there are some situations which are the just the same in every culture. So, I appreciate your kind words and thank you for them.:-)
Also, Thanks for reading my blog. Hope to see you here always.:-)

@Dibbasatya
Maybe great expectations are good but of they are too great, they are bad...

@Dhrubo
Am glad to know that you haven't disappeared. :-)
Thanks for understanding my expectations!:-)

@Amiya Didi
Thank You for your concern and the good luck!:-)

@Shreya
Thank You!:-)

~ Deeps ~ said...

just one thing.......do what YOU want to do and you will feel happy doing it......not for anyone else even parents.......cuz if you are not happy doing it then your parents wont be too.........stay happy and good luck

Butterfly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Butterfly said...

@Deeps
Maybe u r right...:-)
And, thanks for the good luck!

Rohit Talwar said...

I wish I'd left a comment here earlier, because Amiya has already told you what was on my mind when I read it. And S(h)injini, seriously, no one really cares about marks, as Amiya mentioned. Apart from that, why should you even care about people noticing you in school? If those guys are silly enough to waste their time on gossip, why do you have even make them notice your efforts and hard work? I doubt it'd even make you feel so good. So let the world be, and give what you do your best, like it's the last thing you'll ever do in life. Trust us, we've been there, done that. All of us have had similar things to face either in junior or high school. So forget about it. You'll kick some serious butt in many other and refreshing ways.

Butterfly said...

@Rohit
Thanks for your concern....:-)